I'm sorry to inform you Reese, but your membership has been denied. Just. Like. This.

Motherhood is a competitive world.  While we don’t always admit it, there is a part of every mom that thinks the other moms don’t know how good they have it.  If you work full time you think stay at home moms have a cake walk each day just watching tv and shopping.  If you are a stay at home mom, you think working moms live the high life because they aren’t having to suffer through endless amounts of Dora the Explorer while their children ransack the house.  But there is one kind of mom that both working and stay at home moms can agree really get under their skin – the Hollywood mom. 

Hollywood moms can be defined as a mom with any amount of children who fancy themselves with the celebrity lifestyle.  They have a bottomless bank account, help of all kinds at the tip of their fingertips, and are able to get to the gym on a daily basis to work with their own personal trainer.  But despite that, the one thing that the regular moms just cannot stand is when Hollywood moms try to find times to normalize themselves as one of us.

Take Reese Witherspoon for example.  The other day she posted the following picture on her Instagram page with this quote, “People ask me how I do it all – having three kids and a full time job?  This is how.  Just.  Like. This.”

There are so many things wrong with that posting that I’m not sure where to begin.  How about we start with the fact that you are napping.  What working mom or stay at home mom has taken a nap lately?   Reese, the fact that you are taking a nap doesn’t make me feel like your life is all that busy at the moment.  On the contrary it does just the opposite given the fact that you seem to have the time during the day to nap.  I think the last time I was able to take a nap was in 2012. 

Next, let’s talk about the part that says “People ask me how I do it all”.  First off, who are these people and secondly please send them my way.  It will give me some validation for everything I do on a daily basis. 

Finally, let’s talk about this full time job part.  I understand that as an actress you work a lot and I am sure you have long days.  However, I also remember seeing your Instagram posts during awards season.  Your long workdays seemed to consist of luncheons, banquets, and parties.  And let’s not forget that during these “work days” you required full on glam squad time with your hair, make-up, and nail stylist.   

It’s not that we don’t think Hollywood moms work hard or have stressful days.  It’s just that we don’t want them thinking that they can relate to us.  We don’t have personal assistants to run our errands.  Or chefs to cook our family’s food.  We don’t have the luxury of personal trainers or housekeepers or gardeners.  What we want from Hollywood moms is to remember that you belong to a special club to which we will never know.  Likewise we want you to remember that as down to earth as you think you are, as humble of roots that you might come from, and as normal an existence that you think you live, you will not be given membership to our club.  And if you decide that you would like to try to join our club we will have no choice but to turn you down.  Just.  Like.  This. 

Unfortunately, we are a busy group of women and we just don’t have time for your shenanigans or your excessive amount of time to take naps.

Reese later changed the caption to this picture to say "Where I do my best work . . . ."

Much better Reese, but the answer is still no.

If Joan Rivers was here, she’d smack the crap out of you

We live in a society where everyone’s a winner.  Kids get a trophy for just for participating on a sports team even if they never showed up for practice, never scored a point, or never learned the most basic skills of the game.  Instead of being honest and saying, “Johnny, here’s a trophy to signify that you barely contributed,” we pat the kids on the back and praise them even if whatever they did was an epic fail.  This mentality is all around and has even found its way to the hosts of E!’s Fashion Police ever since Joan Rivers passed away.  Kathy Griffin and Kelly Osbourne have left the show due to “creative” differences and people from all over are praising them for this.  

If you haven’t seen Fashion Police, I would take a guess and say that you fall into one or more of the following categories: over 50 years old, male, or don’t have cable tv.  In that event, let me break down how the show runs.  Basically you have four B list celebrities, most of whom have very little professional fashion training, critiquing celebrities for their fashion choices.  The hosts do not hold back on their praise or their scorn for the outfits of choice.  This is the magic of the show - taking over paid, over ego-ed, over indulged celebrities and knocking them down a few notches.  

After only 7 episodes, Kathy Griffin decided to leave the show saying her improv style of comedy didn't mesh well with the formula of the show.  She was quoted as saying,

“I do not want to use my comedy to contribute to a culture of unattainable perfectionism and intolerance towards difference.” 

Adding that she, “wants to help women, gay kids, people of color and anyone who feels underrepresented to have a voice and laugh.” 

Really?  In your 1998 show “Hot Cup of Talk” you said, “There's something about Shania Twain I just don't trust. I don't know, I can't put my finger...she's just too thin. I like my country singers to have the big hair and the big ass.”   Or what about the time she said this about Ryan Seacrest, "The thing that's really weird about Seacrest is that he's super into grooming. He gets mani-pedi's. He gets his eyelashes dyed. He goes to Mystic Tan, he flat-irons his hair. Very butch. Very typical of straight men!”  

She rants and raves in a ridiculous manifesto on Instagram about tolerance when she is notoriously known for making crass remarks about the physical appearances of celebrities.

Then there is Kelly Osbourne , who let’s face it would be a nobody if it wasn't for Fashion Police.  She's a former reality show star with no formal fashion training yet she gets to work as a host of Fashion Police.  She decided to leave after Giuliana Rancic made an inappropriate comment about her friend Zendaya.    

Seriously that’s hilarious.  Um, Kelly, you sat there and laughed when Joan Rivers said this about actress Marion Cotillard’s dress, “The pattern looks like Precious sat on someone’s butterfly collection.”  Where were all of your moral standards then?

However, what I think is the most annoying thing about Kathy and Kelly’s exodus is the influx of celebrities coming out of the woodwork to show their support for Kathy and Kelly for “taking a stand”.  Lena Dunham posted a shout-out to Kathy when she said,” "Congrats to my beautiful friend Kathy Griffin for bravely saying enough is enough to intolerance of all kinds on television.  She's modeling a better way for the youths (and working those ears.).”  For real?  Kathy is one of the most crude female comedians out there and now you’re praising her for setting a good example for youths. 

And can someone please be honest with Kelly Osborne for me?  Instead of patting her on the back and giving her a participant trophy for her role on Fashion Police, let’s say what we are all thinking. 

Kelly, dear, you are making a huge mistake by walking away.  You will have no career if you leave this show.  While you may think this is the best way to go, taking a stand unfortunately does not pay the bills.  Go back to E! with your tail between your legs and your purple hair dyed back to a normal color because if we are being totally honest, your hair is a hot mess, and not in a good way.

What Kathy and Kelly need to understand is we don’t watch Fashion Police for it's moral compass.  We watch it because we love when Hollywood is pulled back down to reality.  We love it when someone on tv says what we are all thinking.  We love it when celebrities are reminded that just because they can sing or act (or in the Kardashian’s case simply exist), it doesn't mean they are immune to the realities of life.  

So Kathy and Kelly if you are reading this blog post consider it to be my way of metaphorically taking Joan River’s hand and smacking the crap out of you for being so high and mighty.

Who knew that Joan Rivers was the glue, or in her case the botox, that was holding Fashion Police together?

Kathy Griffin and Kelly Osbourne - riding their high horses off the show and into the sunset

I'l like to file a missing persons report for hot Jared Leto.

We are all given special gifts.  There are people who are great athletes or wonderful musicians or talented artists.  We are each uniquely designed to be better than some people in certain areas.  It’s not always fair, but its life.  When you are given a great gift the most important thing is that you embrace it for all it’s worth and don’t waste it.  Wasting a talent is like a big giant slap in the face to everyone else who isn’t as fortunate as you.  If you are given the gift of music, you learn how to play instruments.  If you are given the gift of art, you crate things.  And if you are given the gift of good looks, you don’t hide your beautiful face behind terrible facial hair or a heinous haircut.  Yes, Jared Leto, I’m referring to you.

Back in the days of “My So Called Life”, flannel shirts, and using the word “like” way more than needed, Jared Leto was the essence of hotness.  He was so good looking without even trying.  He didn’t need to have a spray tan or work out or be dressed in designer clothes.  He was hot just by existing.  But somewhere after Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano walked away hand in hand with our hearts in tow something changed in Jared Leto.  He slowly evolved from beautiful man to hot rocker to panhandler chic.

For years Jared Leto has metaphorically flipped off society by hiding his gorgeous grill under layers upon layers of nasty beards and overflowing long hair.  Until one fateful day the stars aligned and he took a sharp blade to what had become the bane of our existence.  When I heard he was finally getting rid of the “homeless man with ombre hair” look I thought “Yes!  He’s going to be hot again.  It’s been too long.”    Shortly after, there was a picture posted online that showed his new clean cut look that left us salivating with a renewed hope that hot Jared Leto was reemerging after years of hiding.  This black and white picture reminded us why we loved Jared Leto all those year ago, even during that dreadful period when he dated Cameron Diaz.  This feeling of rejuvenation was short lived when the next picture of Jared Leto that surfaced showed his hair was bleached blonde and he was in some ridiculous outfit. 

We were torn between despair and humiliation while again Jared Leto got the last laugh.  Here we are reminiscing about the old days when hot Jared Leto graced the magazine covers while he sat back and just waited to crush our dreams.  We were saying our final goodbyes to that mangy mop and Jesus like beard when just as quickly as he came back hot Jared Leto vanished into the mist.  Yes, you can argue that he looks better now than he has in years, but what consolation is that when you have looked terrible for years on end.

Basically we have taken one step forward only to take two steps back all the while still holding out hope that hot Jared Leto will return someday.  Hot Jared Leto if you are out there and can hear me please know that we haven’t given up hope.  We understand that you are an artist and musician who takes his craft seriously, but at the end of the day you are still our Jordan Catalano and we miss you.  Please come back.

Somewhere deep down inside and hidden behind bad facial hair, you are just itching to come out to us.

 I'm sorry but this is not going to make the People Magazine's Most Beautiful People issue

Hot Jared Leto, if you can hear us come towards the light.

A throw down of epic proportions

I don’t think it matters if you come from a big family or a small family, there is always drama.  I grew up with three sisters and I can distinctly remember some massive fights and arguments we had.  Some fights were over big issues like snarky comments or backhanded remarks and other times fights were over even bigger issues like who gets to lick the bowl after my mom made brownies.  Seriously we would have throw-downs over that one.  Regardless of size, family arguments are a natural part of any family’s dynamic.  Its human nature and it makes us normal. 

So what I can’t figure out is how in the world does the Duggar family never argue? I mean never, ever argue.  I’m sure they have their occasional squabbles like the rest of us, but you would think that having 19 kids in the house would mean TLC would have more footage of the kids arguing than of them not.  But every episode shows happy, well-adjusted kids who enjoy hanging out with each other.  I’ve read articles and seen reports that the family shown on TV is what they are like in real life.

 

As I watched the season premiere last night I was sure that with all the hubbub that was going on in their family some sort of disagreement was going to ensue.  There was one scene where Jessa, Ben, and Michelle were discussing Jessa’s upcoming wedding to Ben.  While discussing the details, Jessa said she wanted to invite 1,000 people and have the reception at her parents’ house.  I was thinking “This is it!  1,000 people at their house?!  There’s no way Michelle is going to allow that.”  But amazingly the exact opposite happened.  Instead angelic Michelle nodded and let the engaged couple continue their planning without even so much as a second thought.  

Next, the soon to be Seewalds took us to their future home that they will be renting from Jim Bob and Michelle once they are married.  Now, don’t get me wrong it’s a perfectly fine house and definitely appropriate for a newlywed couple starting out life together.  But then you see to the other newlywed couple, Jessa’s sister Jill and her husband Derick, starting their life together in a HUGE house they are also renting from Jim Bob and Michelle.   Jill’s house could probably fit three of Jessa’s houses inside.  I was thinking, “Oh man here we go.  There’s no way that Jessa won’t have a snide comment about their house compared to Jill’s house.  Jessa’s house is very dated, has mold, and is much smaller.  She’s bound to be snarky about this!” 

Cut to Jessa saying the following: “The reason why Jill got the big house was because it's really close to Derick's work and so it's kind of the opposite of town. We don't mind though, really.  That's a lot of work to keep up with. They have three floors. It's got to be a lot of work." 

Amazing!  She wasn’t jealous.  She wasn't snarky.  She wasn't anything but sincere.  Wow!  I remember when my sister went to college and my mom bought her a new pair of Birkenstocks.  I was pissed!  Here she was going to college with half of my clothes and a new pair of sandals.  Petty I know, but I was 16 and my Birkenstocks had seen better days.  I can’t imagine the cacophony that would ring out if my parents dished out two vastly different houses to us.  That would be a throw down of epic proportions.

The Duggar family is almost nonhuman.  They have their own reality show, but shop at thrift stores.  They have a ton of people under one roof, yet their house is fairly neat.  But the most remarkable thing is they have 19 kids and they all get along and generally love each other.  They don’t argue with each other or with the parents.  Whatever it is Jim Bob and Michelle are doing, I need to copy it because if my kids are anything like my sisters and I were I’m going to have one hell of a fight over that brownie bowl.  

Of course they would be able to get everyone looking at the camera and smiling

Clearly blood is thicker than water or in my case thicker than a brownie bowl

This is my own personal form of crack, and my addiction runs deep

Everyone has a few go to channels that they turn to when watching TV.  Some of those channels can help build your reputation as an educated, well informed person while other channels leave you to defending your credibility to others.  It might be because of the mindless shows those channels produce, the lack of informative knowledge they spread, or the type of “news” they report.  But, no matter how mind-numbing the shows are or how much dumber you feel after watching them, you are pulled into each and every second relishing all of their uselessness.

I would love to say that when I watch TV my go to channels are PBS and the History Channel, but let’s face it, I write a blog about pop culture.   If it wasn’t obvious, I love the E! channel.   Despite the fact that some member of the Kardashian family is being shown on E! at any given moment, I can’t seem to switch channels.  It’s like I am hypnotized.   I know it’s pointless television, yet I have to watch it.  From their reality shows to their documentaries to their news programs I can’t seem to find a way out of the entertainment whirlwind of E!.

One E! show I enjoy watching is E! News.  Now to call it news is to use the term in the loosest form of the word.  While the rest of the news world is reporting on global issues and world hunger, E! is reporting that Kim Kardashian cut her hair and what Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds named their baby.  No doubt this is not hard hitting news, but like a moth to a flame it draws you in.  I mean how could you go about your day if you knew that Kim Kardashian’s hair was still long when it in fact had been cut.  See what I mean people, we need this channel, and in all honesty at times we crave it.

I’m sure it’s hard for the producers of E! news to fill their hour long show every day.  Some days the entertainment world is lively and hoppin’, like when JT joined up with his fellow N’SYNC members at last year’s VMA awards or when Salange Knowles beat the crap out of Jay-Z.  But most often, there aren’t any major stories for the anchors to report on.  When this happens we are left with news stories that leave us with more questions than answers.  For example, take a recent piece they did on Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest and greatest craze of v-steams.  (If you aren’t sure what v-steams are check it out on her pretentious and irritating website “Goop”.)  Not only did E! News think that the absurdness of v-steams was news worthy, but they also sent a correspondent to a spa to give us an eyewitness account.  After watching that segment I remember thinking “Ok, maybe it’s time I branch out on my new sources.”  Cut to me the next night flipping right back to E! because they had breaking news about fashion week or Jason Kennedy’s wedding or some other earth shattering event that I just had to see.

Take tonight for example.  I am perusing the E! website and I see the headline:

 “Khloe Kardashain Brought the Girls Out for Kanye West’s New York Fashion Week Show (And We Don’t Mean Kylie and Kendal Jenner)”  

Immediately I am torn between utter annoyance and uncontrollable curiosity.  While I can’t believe someone actually typed those words into a headline, I can’t wait to click on the link to see what the article is about.  Again I am sucked into the E! channel, powerless against its pop culture ways.  

When it comes down to it, E!’s depth of news is about as deep as Tara Reid’s dramatic acting in "Sharnado", but damn if I can’t stay away from it.  This is my own personal form of crack, and my addiction runs deep.  So the next time you want to find out if Miley Cyrus shaved her legs or Kim Kardashian blinked turn to E! for the latest and most up to date in real life time suckage.

"Pop of Culture" or  for me "Pop of Crack"

The cast of E! News - clearly the next recipients of the Pulitzer Prize

Clothes make the crazy.

I’ll admit it.  I've never been the most up to date with fashion.  I may or may not have been one of the last people in middle school to stop tight rolling my jeans.  And maybe in college I owned way too many animal print fitted tank tops.  And so what if in high school the dress I wore to my first dance was so bad that I have since thrown away any photographic proof that it existed (and no I will not go into detail what it looked like).  I didn’t know any better.  I was a victim of fashion naivety. 

  

Kids today don’t know how good they have it.  There’s “Fashion Police” on television, Instagram where you can follow stylists, and cameras on phones where you can take a picture of yourself before you go out to see exactly how great or busted you look.  Obviously, kids have no excuse to be misguided in fashion. 

The same could be said for celebrities.  With endless amounts of money and a stylist at the tips of their fingertips, there really is no reason for them to make a fashion mistake.  Yet, without fail they are constantly missing the mark.  Specifically, the Kardashians. 

It seems this family of “fashion moguls” can’t get a fashion clue.  To showcase my point, I have highlighted two of the more famous Kardashians and the recent faux pas they have made. 

Let's take Kris Jenner who unfortunately has committed crimes against fashion by failing to acknowledge that despite what she thinks, she is in fact not 19. 

Here we have Kris sporting a pair of “Jackie O” sunglasses and a tweed jacket, matched with a pair of transparent pants. 

Wait a pair of transparent pants?  What does that even mean?  Is she walking around in see through pants?  It’s so bizarre.  I mean I guess I get it.  She wants to be known as the 4^th Kardashian sister, but there’s one small problem, she's in like her sixties! Kris, no matter what you do, you will always be older than your children.  I guess it’s just one of these mean jokes life plays on you.  Do us all a favor and the next time you go out, please put on a pair of real life, actual pants, not pants that would be found in the Adam and Eve Lingerie catalog.

Up next we have Kim K and baby North.

One website quoted this for the dynamic duo’s outfits back in Septmeber 2014.

“While Kim paired her sheer jumpsuit with stilettos, North finished off her lacy evening ensemble with her tried-and-true Doc Martens, pulling together the effortless downtown look.”

I’m not quite sure how this black jumpsuit/leotard/bathing suit/whatever it is she is wearing and lace pants qualifies as an “effortless downtown look”.  To me an effortless outfit is a nice pair of jeans with a cute top or a dress and kickin’ pair of heels.  This outfit looks to me like it required lots and lots of effort, most likely by her “team” of workers who are graciously thanked for their hard work with botox (see “Merry Christmas.  Now go fix your face.” for more on that matter).    

You know, come to think about it, my daughter and North really aren’t that different after all.  North is shown here wearing “Doc Martens”.  Yesterday my daughter spent all day in her “Doc McStuffins”.  North is photographed in her “evening ensemble”.  My daughter also spent last night in her “evening ensemble”.  Granted it was because she had spilled spaghetti-ohs and milk on her “daytime ensemble” and had to be changed, but still it was evening when she was changed and it was a different ensemble that she was changed into.

Despite all of the well-dressed celebrities out there, some people feel that the Kardashians are fashion authorities.  I admit that there are times when I see one of them and I think “Wow, they look great.”  However, more times than not that isn't the case.  Maybe it's as the saying goes - "Clothes make the man".  But if that is true, where does that leave the Kardashians?  Maybe when comes to them clothes make the crazy.

Man Daisy, your dukes sure did mess everything up.

Have you ever wondered how your life would be different if you had made a different choice?  You might have thought, “If I had skipped that class in college like I planned I would never had met my future husband.”  Or perhaps, “If I had only had the guts to get up at karaoke night and sing “Blurred Lines” then I would have been signed to that recording contract instead of her.”   Or possibly, “If I had just listened to Jamie Lee Curtis and eaten Activia once a day like she suggested maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation now?”

We are all plagued with the “what ifs” of life.  Some of those “what ifs” are easy to live with and some aren’t.  I’m sure celebrities think the same thing.  Kim Kardashian probably thinks, “What if I had never made that sex tape?  Would I have been able to survive as a normal person and not as a celebrity?”  Lindsey Lohan probably is thinking, “Would I still have a career today if I hadn’t made ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded’?”  And surely Hank Baskett is thinking, “What if I had asked that “lady friend” of mine a few more questions?  Would I still be happily married to Kendra?”

While all of these scenarios are hard to accept, the hardest “what if” to accept is this: What if Britney Spears had won the role of Daisy Duke in the “The Dukes of Hazard” movie instead of Jessica Simpson? 

Sounds silly?  Well, let me paint you a little picture.  The year was 2004.  For the most part, life was good.  Katie Holmes had not yet made the worst career move of her life by dating Tom Cruise, Lindsey Lohan was starring in “Mean Girls” and undoubtedly her life was “so fetch”, and the relationship we all loved – that of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson – was still going strong (and airing on MTV for all of us to see).  If there was one shadow cast on the year 2004 it was most obviously Britney’s marriage to Kevin Federline.    Yeah, we all knew from the get go that was a bad decision.

What most people don’t know is that both Britney and Jessica auditioned for the role of Daisy Duke.  Britney was a shoe in for the role if you ask me.  She is a southerner, could pull off those inappropriately tiny shorts, and had just enough redneck in her to fully grasp the essence of Daisy.  But by some twist of fate, Jessica Simpson won the role.   Maybe Jessica was a better actress (doubtful, I mean have you seen Britney in “Crossroads”?).  Maybe Jessica charmed the casting director with another endearing mix up of chicken and tuna.  Maybe the director was a “Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica” fan and Britney just missed the cutoff with her own reality show “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic”. 

I guess we might not ever know why life played out the way it did.  All we know is once Jessica graced the world in those jean shorts life changed.  Her relationship to Nick started to grumble and there were rumors going around that she was fooling around behind Nick’s back with Bam Margera from “Jackass”.  Yuck.  Not to mention Britney became preggers.  While I’m sure she doesn’t regret having procreated with K-Fed that was undeniably the last nail in the coffin was that “Justin and Britney”.  Call me crazy.  Call me a dreamer.  Call me whatever you want.  Justin and Britney were life’s prom king and queen whose reign was cut short.  Back in 2004 I was still holding out hope that those two crazy mouseketeers would find their way back to each other, but once that little nugget that is Sean Preston was brought into this world my hope started to dwindle (though it has never completely disappeared).

So here we are, 10 years later and life again is not what we expected.  Jessica doesn't sing anymore, but instead is a successful clothing designer.  She also designs a shoe line for strippers.  Wait, they aren’t for strippers?  Then why do they all have like a 5 inch heel?  Britney is single (again) and is headlining a show in Vegas.  On a side note, her hair has never looked better.  Due to years of bad hair extensions, shaving her head and starting over was definitely the way to go.  And our good friend Daisy is destined to live out her legacy in reruns on CMT.  Hopefully, her dukes are hidden away dry rotting in a closet somewhere in Hollywood.   If you ask me, that’s a small price to pay for messing everything up.

                                        

Way to duke everything up Daisy.

Jessica wearing the daisy dukes that took down everything in it's path.   

To all of the haters out there:

I think my feelings about this are best summed up with the song "Imagine" by John Lennon

"You may say I'm a dreamer,

but I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

and the world will live as one"