I'm sorry to inform you Reese, but your membership has been denied. Just. Like. This.

Motherhood is a competitive world.  While we don’t always admit it, there is a part of every mom that thinks the other moms don’t know how good they have it.  If you work full time you think stay at home moms have a cake walk each day just watching tv and shopping.  If you are a stay at home mom, you think working moms live the high life because they aren’t having to suffer through endless amounts of Dora the Explorer while their children ransack the house.  But there is one kind of mom that both working and stay at home moms can agree really get under their skin – the Hollywood mom. 

Hollywood moms can be defined as a mom with any amount of children who fancy themselves with the celebrity lifestyle.  They have a bottomless bank account, help of all kinds at the tip of their fingertips, and are able to get to the gym on a daily basis to work with their own personal trainer.  But despite that, the one thing that the regular moms just cannot stand is when Hollywood moms try to find times to normalize themselves as one of us.

Take Reese Witherspoon for example.  The other day she posted the following picture on her Instagram page with this quote, “People ask me how I do it all – having three kids and a full time job?  This is how.  Just.  Like. This.”

There are so many things wrong with that posting that I’m not sure where to begin.  How about we start with the fact that you are napping.  What working mom or stay at home mom has taken a nap lately?   Reese, the fact that you are taking a nap doesn’t make me feel like your life is all that busy at the moment.  On the contrary it does just the opposite given the fact that you seem to have the time during the day to nap.  I think the last time I was able to take a nap was in 2012. 

Next, let’s talk about the part that says “People ask me how I do it all”.  First off, who are these people and secondly please send them my way.  It will give me some validation for everything I do on a daily basis. 

Finally, let’s talk about this full time job part.  I understand that as an actress you work a lot and I am sure you have long days.  However, I also remember seeing your Instagram posts during awards season.  Your long workdays seemed to consist of luncheons, banquets, and parties.  And let’s not forget that during these “work days” you required full on glam squad time with your hair, make-up, and nail stylist.   

It’s not that we don’t think Hollywood moms work hard or have stressful days.  It’s just that we don’t want them thinking that they can relate to us.  We don’t have personal assistants to run our errands.  Or chefs to cook our family’s food.  We don’t have the luxury of personal trainers or housekeepers or gardeners.  What we want from Hollywood moms is to remember that you belong to a special club to which we will never know.  Likewise we want you to remember that as down to earth as you think you are, as humble of roots that you might come from, and as normal an existence that you think you live, you will not be given membership to our club.  And if you decide that you would like to try to join our club we will have no choice but to turn you down.  Just.  Like.  This. 

Unfortunately, we are a busy group of women and we just don’t have time for your shenanigans or your excessive amount of time to take naps.

Reese later changed the caption to this picture to say "Where I do my best work . . . ."

Much better Reese, but the answer is still no.

If Joan Rivers was here, she’d smack the crap out of you

We live in a society where everyone’s a winner.  Kids get a trophy for just for participating on a sports team even if they never showed up for practice, never scored a point, or never learned the most basic skills of the game.  Instead of being honest and saying, “Johnny, here’s a trophy to signify that you barely contributed,” we pat the kids on the back and praise them even if whatever they did was an epic fail.  This mentality is all around and has even found its way to the hosts of E!’s Fashion Police ever since Joan Rivers passed away.  Kathy Griffin and Kelly Osbourne have left the show due to “creative” differences and people from all over are praising them for this.  

If you haven’t seen Fashion Police, I would take a guess and say that you fall into one or more of the following categories: over 50 years old, male, or don’t have cable tv.  In that event, let me break down how the show runs.  Basically you have four B list celebrities, most of whom have very little professional fashion training, critiquing celebrities for their fashion choices.  The hosts do not hold back on their praise or their scorn for the outfits of choice.  This is the magic of the show - taking over paid, over ego-ed, over indulged celebrities and knocking them down a few notches.  

After only 7 episodes, Kathy Griffin decided to leave the show saying her improv style of comedy didn't mesh well with the formula of the show.  She was quoted as saying,

“I do not want to use my comedy to contribute to a culture of unattainable perfectionism and intolerance towards difference.” 

Adding that she, “wants to help women, gay kids, people of color and anyone who feels underrepresented to have a voice and laugh.” 

Really?  In your 1998 show “Hot Cup of Talk” you said, “There's something about Shania Twain I just don't trust. I don't know, I can't put my finger...she's just too thin. I like my country singers to have the big hair and the big ass.”   Or what about the time she said this about Ryan Seacrest, "The thing that's really weird about Seacrest is that he's super into grooming. He gets mani-pedi's. He gets his eyelashes dyed. He goes to Mystic Tan, he flat-irons his hair. Very butch. Very typical of straight men!”  

She rants and raves in a ridiculous manifesto on Instagram about tolerance when she is notoriously known for making crass remarks about the physical appearances of celebrities.

Then there is Kelly Osbourne , who let’s face it would be a nobody if it wasn't for Fashion Police.  She's a former reality show star with no formal fashion training yet she gets to work as a host of Fashion Police.  She decided to leave after Giuliana Rancic made an inappropriate comment about her friend Zendaya.    

Seriously that’s hilarious.  Um, Kelly, you sat there and laughed when Joan Rivers said this about actress Marion Cotillard’s dress, “The pattern looks like Precious sat on someone’s butterfly collection.”  Where were all of your moral standards then?

However, what I think is the most annoying thing about Kathy and Kelly’s exodus is the influx of celebrities coming out of the woodwork to show their support for Kathy and Kelly for “taking a stand”.  Lena Dunham posted a shout-out to Kathy when she said,” "Congrats to my beautiful friend Kathy Griffin for bravely saying enough is enough to intolerance of all kinds on television.  She's modeling a better way for the youths (and working those ears.).”  For real?  Kathy is one of the most crude female comedians out there and now you’re praising her for setting a good example for youths. 

And can someone please be honest with Kelly Osborne for me?  Instead of patting her on the back and giving her a participant trophy for her role on Fashion Police, let’s say what we are all thinking. 

Kelly, dear, you are making a huge mistake by walking away.  You will have no career if you leave this show.  While you may think this is the best way to go, taking a stand unfortunately does not pay the bills.  Go back to E! with your tail between your legs and your purple hair dyed back to a normal color because if we are being totally honest, your hair is a hot mess, and not in a good way.

What Kathy and Kelly need to understand is we don’t watch Fashion Police for it's moral compass.  We watch it because we love when Hollywood is pulled back down to reality.  We love it when someone on tv says what we are all thinking.  We love it when celebrities are reminded that just because they can sing or act (or in the Kardashian’s case simply exist), it doesn't mean they are immune to the realities of life.  

So Kathy and Kelly if you are reading this blog post consider it to be my way of metaphorically taking Joan River’s hand and smacking the crap out of you for being so high and mighty.

Who knew that Joan Rivers was the glue, or in her case the botox, that was holding Fashion Police together?

Kathy Griffin and Kelly Osbourne - riding their high horses off the show and into the sunset

I'l like to file a missing persons report for hot Jared Leto.

We are all given special gifts.  There are people who are great athletes or wonderful musicians or talented artists.  We are each uniquely designed to be better than some people in certain areas.  It’s not always fair, but its life.  When you are given a great gift the most important thing is that you embrace it for all it’s worth and don’t waste it.  Wasting a talent is like a big giant slap in the face to everyone else who isn’t as fortunate as you.  If you are given the gift of music, you learn how to play instruments.  If you are given the gift of art, you crate things.  And if you are given the gift of good looks, you don’t hide your beautiful face behind terrible facial hair or a heinous haircut.  Yes, Jared Leto, I’m referring to you.

Back in the days of “My So Called Life”, flannel shirts, and using the word “like” way more than needed, Jared Leto was the essence of hotness.  He was so good looking without even trying.  He didn’t need to have a spray tan or work out or be dressed in designer clothes.  He was hot just by existing.  But somewhere after Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano walked away hand in hand with our hearts in tow something changed in Jared Leto.  He slowly evolved from beautiful man to hot rocker to panhandler chic.

For years Jared Leto has metaphorically flipped off society by hiding his gorgeous grill under layers upon layers of nasty beards and overflowing long hair.  Until one fateful day the stars aligned and he took a sharp blade to what had become the bane of our existence.  When I heard he was finally getting rid of the “homeless man with ombre hair” look I thought “Yes!  He’s going to be hot again.  It’s been too long.”    Shortly after, there was a picture posted online that showed his new clean cut look that left us salivating with a renewed hope that hot Jared Leto was reemerging after years of hiding.  This black and white picture reminded us why we loved Jared Leto all those year ago, even during that dreadful period when he dated Cameron Diaz.  This feeling of rejuvenation was short lived when the next picture of Jared Leto that surfaced showed his hair was bleached blonde and he was in some ridiculous outfit. 

We were torn between despair and humiliation while again Jared Leto got the last laugh.  Here we are reminiscing about the old days when hot Jared Leto graced the magazine covers while he sat back and just waited to crush our dreams.  We were saying our final goodbyes to that mangy mop and Jesus like beard when just as quickly as he came back hot Jared Leto vanished into the mist.  Yes, you can argue that he looks better now than he has in years, but what consolation is that when you have looked terrible for years on end.

Basically we have taken one step forward only to take two steps back all the while still holding out hope that hot Jared Leto will return someday.  Hot Jared Leto if you are out there and can hear me please know that we haven’t given up hope.  We understand that you are an artist and musician who takes his craft seriously, but at the end of the day you are still our Jordan Catalano and we miss you.  Please come back.

Somewhere deep down inside and hidden behind bad facial hair, you are just itching to come out to us.

 I'm sorry but this is not going to make the People Magazine's Most Beautiful People issue

Hot Jared Leto, if you can hear us come towards the light.