This is my own personal form of crack, and my addiction runs deep

Everyone has a few go to channels that they turn to when watching TV.  Some of those channels can help build your reputation as an educated, well informed person while other channels leave you to defending your credibility to others.  It might be because of the mindless shows those channels produce, the lack of informative knowledge they spread, or the type of “news” they report.  But, no matter how mind-numbing the shows are or how much dumber you feel after watching them, you are pulled into each and every second relishing all of their uselessness.

I would love to say that when I watch TV my go to channels are PBS and the History Channel, but let’s face it, I write a blog about pop culture.   If it wasn’t obvious, I love the E! channel.   Despite the fact that some member of the Kardashian family is being shown on E! at any given moment, I can’t seem to switch channels.  It’s like I am hypnotized.   I know it’s pointless television, yet I have to watch it.  From their reality shows to their documentaries to their news programs I can’t seem to find a way out of the entertainment whirlwind of E!.

One E! show I enjoy watching is E! News.  Now to call it news is to use the term in the loosest form of the word.  While the rest of the news world is reporting on global issues and world hunger, E! is reporting that Kim Kardashian cut her hair and what Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds named their baby.  No doubt this is not hard hitting news, but like a moth to a flame it draws you in.  I mean how could you go about your day if you knew that Kim Kardashian’s hair was still long when it in fact had been cut.  See what I mean people, we need this channel, and in all honesty at times we crave it.

I’m sure it’s hard for the producers of E! news to fill their hour long show every day.  Some days the entertainment world is lively and hoppin’, like when JT joined up with his fellow N’SYNC members at last year’s VMA awards or when Salange Knowles beat the crap out of Jay-Z.  But most often, there aren’t any major stories for the anchors to report on.  When this happens we are left with news stories that leave us with more questions than answers.  For example, take a recent piece they did on Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest and greatest craze of v-steams.  (If you aren’t sure what v-steams are check it out on her pretentious and irritating website “Goop”.)  Not only did E! News think that the absurdness of v-steams was news worthy, but they also sent a correspondent to a spa to give us an eyewitness account.  After watching that segment I remember thinking “Ok, maybe it’s time I branch out on my new sources.”  Cut to me the next night flipping right back to E! because they had breaking news about fashion week or Jason Kennedy’s wedding or some other earth shattering event that I just had to see.

Take tonight for example.  I am perusing the E! website and I see the headline:

 “Khloe Kardashain Brought the Girls Out for Kanye West’s New York Fashion Week Show (And We Don’t Mean Kylie and Kendal Jenner)”  

Immediately I am torn between utter annoyance and uncontrollable curiosity.  While I can’t believe someone actually typed those words into a headline, I can’t wait to click on the link to see what the article is about.  Again I am sucked into the E! channel, powerless against its pop culture ways.  

When it comes down to it, E!’s depth of news is about as deep as Tara Reid’s dramatic acting in "Sharnado", but damn if I can’t stay away from it.  This is my own personal form of crack, and my addiction runs deep.  So the next time you want to find out if Miley Cyrus shaved her legs or Kim Kardashian blinked turn to E! for the latest and most up to date in real life time suckage.

"Pop of Culture" or  for me "Pop of Crack"

The cast of E! News - clearly the next recipients of the Pulitzer Prize

Clothes make the crazy.

I’ll admit it.  I've never been the most up to date with fashion.  I may or may not have been one of the last people in middle school to stop tight rolling my jeans.  And maybe in college I owned way too many animal print fitted tank tops.  And so what if in high school the dress I wore to my first dance was so bad that I have since thrown away any photographic proof that it existed (and no I will not go into detail what it looked like).  I didn’t know any better.  I was a victim of fashion naivety. 

  

Kids today don’t know how good they have it.  There’s “Fashion Police” on television, Instagram where you can follow stylists, and cameras on phones where you can take a picture of yourself before you go out to see exactly how great or busted you look.  Obviously, kids have no excuse to be misguided in fashion. 

The same could be said for celebrities.  With endless amounts of money and a stylist at the tips of their fingertips, there really is no reason for them to make a fashion mistake.  Yet, without fail they are constantly missing the mark.  Specifically, the Kardashians. 

It seems this family of “fashion moguls” can’t get a fashion clue.  To showcase my point, I have highlighted two of the more famous Kardashians and the recent faux pas they have made. 

Let's take Kris Jenner who unfortunately has committed crimes against fashion by failing to acknowledge that despite what she thinks, she is in fact not 19. 

Here we have Kris sporting a pair of “Jackie O” sunglasses and a tweed jacket, matched with a pair of transparent pants. 

Wait a pair of transparent pants?  What does that even mean?  Is she walking around in see through pants?  It’s so bizarre.  I mean I guess I get it.  She wants to be known as the 4^th Kardashian sister, but there’s one small problem, she's in like her sixties! Kris, no matter what you do, you will always be older than your children.  I guess it’s just one of these mean jokes life plays on you.  Do us all a favor and the next time you go out, please put on a pair of real life, actual pants, not pants that would be found in the Adam and Eve Lingerie catalog.

Up next we have Kim K and baby North.

One website quoted this for the dynamic duo’s outfits back in Septmeber 2014.

“While Kim paired her sheer jumpsuit with stilettos, North finished off her lacy evening ensemble with her tried-and-true Doc Martens, pulling together the effortless downtown look.”

I’m not quite sure how this black jumpsuit/leotard/bathing suit/whatever it is she is wearing and lace pants qualifies as an “effortless downtown look”.  To me an effortless outfit is a nice pair of jeans with a cute top or a dress and kickin’ pair of heels.  This outfit looks to me like it required lots and lots of effort, most likely by her “team” of workers who are graciously thanked for their hard work with botox (see “Merry Christmas.  Now go fix your face.” for more on that matter).    

You know, come to think about it, my daughter and North really aren’t that different after all.  North is shown here wearing “Doc Martens”.  Yesterday my daughter spent all day in her “Doc McStuffins”.  North is photographed in her “evening ensemble”.  My daughter also spent last night in her “evening ensemble”.  Granted it was because she had spilled spaghetti-ohs and milk on her “daytime ensemble” and had to be changed, but still it was evening when she was changed and it was a different ensemble that she was changed into.

Despite all of the well-dressed celebrities out there, some people feel that the Kardashians are fashion authorities.  I admit that there are times when I see one of them and I think “Wow, they look great.”  However, more times than not that isn't the case.  Maybe it's as the saying goes - "Clothes make the man".  But if that is true, where does that leave the Kardashians?  Maybe when comes to them clothes make the crazy.

Man Daisy, your dukes sure did mess everything up.

Have you ever wondered how your life would be different if you had made a different choice?  You might have thought, “If I had skipped that class in college like I planned I would never had met my future husband.”  Or perhaps, “If I had only had the guts to get up at karaoke night and sing “Blurred Lines” then I would have been signed to that recording contract instead of her.”   Or possibly, “If I had just listened to Jamie Lee Curtis and eaten Activia once a day like she suggested maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation now?”

We are all plagued with the “what ifs” of life.  Some of those “what ifs” are easy to live with and some aren’t.  I’m sure celebrities think the same thing.  Kim Kardashian probably thinks, “What if I had never made that sex tape?  Would I have been able to survive as a normal person and not as a celebrity?”  Lindsey Lohan probably is thinking, “Would I still have a career today if I hadn’t made ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded’?”  And surely Hank Baskett is thinking, “What if I had asked that “lady friend” of mine a few more questions?  Would I still be happily married to Kendra?”

While all of these scenarios are hard to accept, the hardest “what if” to accept is this: What if Britney Spears had won the role of Daisy Duke in the “The Dukes of Hazard” movie instead of Jessica Simpson? 

Sounds silly?  Well, let me paint you a little picture.  The year was 2004.  For the most part, life was good.  Katie Holmes had not yet made the worst career move of her life by dating Tom Cruise, Lindsey Lohan was starring in “Mean Girls” and undoubtedly her life was “so fetch”, and the relationship we all loved – that of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson – was still going strong (and airing on MTV for all of us to see).  If there was one shadow cast on the year 2004 it was most obviously Britney’s marriage to Kevin Federline.    Yeah, we all knew from the get go that was a bad decision.

What most people don’t know is that both Britney and Jessica auditioned for the role of Daisy Duke.  Britney was a shoe in for the role if you ask me.  She is a southerner, could pull off those inappropriately tiny shorts, and had just enough redneck in her to fully grasp the essence of Daisy.  But by some twist of fate, Jessica Simpson won the role.   Maybe Jessica was a better actress (doubtful, I mean have you seen Britney in “Crossroads”?).  Maybe Jessica charmed the casting director with another endearing mix up of chicken and tuna.  Maybe the director was a “Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica” fan and Britney just missed the cutoff with her own reality show “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic”. 

I guess we might not ever know why life played out the way it did.  All we know is once Jessica graced the world in those jean shorts life changed.  Her relationship to Nick started to grumble and there were rumors going around that she was fooling around behind Nick’s back with Bam Margera from “Jackass”.  Yuck.  Not to mention Britney became preggers.  While I’m sure she doesn’t regret having procreated with K-Fed that was undeniably the last nail in the coffin was that “Justin and Britney”.  Call me crazy.  Call me a dreamer.  Call me whatever you want.  Justin and Britney were life’s prom king and queen whose reign was cut short.  Back in 2004 I was still holding out hope that those two crazy mouseketeers would find their way back to each other, but once that little nugget that is Sean Preston was brought into this world my hope started to dwindle (though it has never completely disappeared).

So here we are, 10 years later and life again is not what we expected.  Jessica doesn't sing anymore, but instead is a successful clothing designer.  She also designs a shoe line for strippers.  Wait, they aren’t for strippers?  Then why do they all have like a 5 inch heel?  Britney is single (again) and is headlining a show in Vegas.  On a side note, her hair has never looked better.  Due to years of bad hair extensions, shaving her head and starting over was definitely the way to go.  And our good friend Daisy is destined to live out her legacy in reruns on CMT.  Hopefully, her dukes are hidden away dry rotting in a closet somewhere in Hollywood.   If you ask me, that’s a small price to pay for messing everything up.

                                        

Way to duke everything up Daisy.

Jessica wearing the daisy dukes that took down everything in it's path.   

To all of the haters out there:

I think my feelings about this are best summed up with the song "Imagine" by John Lennon

"You may say I'm a dreamer,

but I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

and the world will live as one"

Merry Christmas. Now go fix your face.

Some people are so hard to buy gifts for.  Either they already have everything they need or they are never pleased with what they are given.    I feel that I, if I can say so myself, am pretty easy to please.  Like most women, I can be satisfied with your typical gifts of jewelry, clothes, or your run of the mill gift card.  If you ask me, gift cards are the perfect gift.  When you get a gift card you don’t have to politely smile and say thank you for a terrible sweater or hideous piece of home décor.  A gift card is a gift that says, “It might look like I was too lazy to go out and buy something for you, but in actuality I like you enough to let you pick your own present so you don’t have to pretend to like what I gave you.”  When you get a gift card you really can’t lose.  That is unless you are given a gift card for say something like Botox.  Nothing says Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas quite like a subtle hint that your face has gone south.  I know you are probably thinking, “Katie you are crazy.  No one would ever gift such a ridiculous gift.”  Enter Kim Kardashian.   

It was reported a few weeks ago that Kim Kardashian gave her staff Botox gift cards for Christmas.  Now I don’t know about you, but that’s a slap in the wrinkly face.  Working for the Kardashians can’t be fun, especially working for Kim.  She is whiny, self-absorbed, and probably has Kanye’s songs playing in the background all day.  Not to mention I’m sure she talks about waist training to anyone who will listen.   Side note – what Kim calls “waist training” everyone else calls “18^th century fashion”.   Waist training falls into the same category as water beds.  While they might seem enticing, they are out of date, uncomfortable, and will never ever be cool again. 

The only thing that probably gets Kim’s staff through each grueling workday of photo shoots, PR stunts, and hair extensions is the thought of Christmas.  I’m sure they are expecting a nice bonus, thoughtful gift, or maybe even just a day off.  They are probably thinking, “Finally, all of those long hours of tightening that damn corset and cleaning spit up off of North’s overpriced clothes are finally going to pay off!” 

I can envision how it all played out.  Kim brings all of her staff into the living room and gives the following speech:

“We’ve had quite a year haven’t we?  A wedding.  A new house.  That weird magazine cover shoot where my butt could not have looked bigger.  I have had a banner year and let’s face it, now that I’m married to Kanye we have become the new Beyoncé and Jay Z, except way better.  I know I am rich, beautiful, and have a life that you all will never come close to having, but I want you to know that I couldn’t be who I am without you.  This is just a small token of my appreciation for all of your hard work.”

With smiling and hopeful faces her staff opens their gift to find a gift card for Boxtox.  Slowly their smiles fade and their face drops one wrinkle at a time.  With dismay, her staff leaves the room to go back to their duties as cook, nanny, and corset tightener dreaming of what could have been. 

Obviously I wasn’t there when all of this happened, but as how I have seen pretty much every episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and every episode of their spin off shows multiple times, I’m pretty confident that my version of the event is spot on.  Yes, this scenario might seem farfetched, but let’s face it, when it comes to the Kardashians nothing is ever normal.  Sex tapes equal stardom, famous Olympic athletes morph into cross dressers, and “Merry Christmas!” really means “Now go fix your face.”

"Botox to me is not surgery.  It's how I not so subtly say your face is busted."  

To all my valued employees:  Just think, if you keep working for me through a few more holiday seasons, you will be able to look as great as I do right now.

Are you there pop culture? It’s me Katie.

Today I had a great lunch date with my super fun, super fashionable, super young friend Davis.  While we talked about various topics such as school, his upcoming study abroad trip to Italy, hilarious memories from the past, and Britney (a staple of our friendship) he said to me:

Davis - You haven’t posted on your blog in a while.

Me – I know.  Between the new baby, the holidays, the move to our new house life has been so crazy.  I have been thinking about my next post though.  I already have a title for it.

Davis – Oh really?  What is it?

Me – I think it’s going to be “Are you there pop culture?  It’s me Katie.” 

Davis, smiles at me politely, but doesn’t say anything.  He just kinda gives me a blank stare.

Me - It’s a pun on that book “Are you there God?  It’s me Margaret.”  You know that Judy Blume book from the ‘70’s. 

Davis – Oh ok.  I’ve never heard of that book.

 And there you have it.  The generation gap rears its ugly head again.   I haven’t felt this old since I was at the Britney concert with Davis and Britney did an outrageously fabulous cover of Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know”.  I turned to Davis and said “OMG I can’t believe she is covering this song!  She is awesome!”  To which Davis replied, “What song is this?  I’ve never heard of it.”  That day it became official – I’m old. 

But that’s beside the point of this post.  Yes, I have been MIA lately from the blog.  So much that the owner of my gym said, “You haven’t posted on your blog lately.  I guess you’ve grown up and stopped doing it?”  Um no. 

While that was hard to hear, it did resonate with me.  Yes, I have been busy.  Life in fact has been crazy.  But that's not an excuse.  Life is busy for everyone and while I could give excuse after excuse it wouldn’t change the fact that I need to make amends with a dear friend – pop culture. 

When celebrities feel the need to make a statement and want do so in a dramatic fashion, they write an open letter.  I’m not sure who this open letter is supposed to be directed to, but none the less, it does the job.    So here you go.  This is my open letter to pop culture.

Are you there pop culture?  It’s me Katie.  I know I know - "Katie who?", you ask.  It’s me Katie – the Britney fan, Kardashian lover/hater, and all around pop culture enthusiast. 

I decided that I need to clear the air with you in light of my recent absence.  In my quest for redemption, I have looked to celebrities for inspiration on how I can start to redirect my focus back to you.  Below I have listed three different but very eye opening examples of what I have learned on how to rebuild our relationship.

Example #1 – While vacationing in Thailand, Kim Kardashian didn’t let the obligation of family time or the sights of a foreign country keep her from taking 1,200 selfies for her selfie book.  She knew that it was her obligation to society to take pointless and endless amounts of selfies that apparently she thinks we all want collected in a book for our coffee table.  That people is what you call dedication.

Example #2 – Do you think Miley Cyrus’s new relationship with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son stops her from posting inappropriate pictures on Instagram?  No, she continues to post topless pictures because that’s what the people want.  And by “the people” I mean weird middle aged men who have an inappropriate obsession with Hannah Montana.

Example #3 - To hell with yoga pants, the Duggar family knows the importance of workin’ on their fitness even if it is in a knee length skirt.  Why you ask?  Because doing squats in denim is what commitment looks like.

You see, pop culture, life is busy for all of us – me, Kim, Miley, Jim Bob, Michelle, Josh, John David, Jill, Jessa, and the 15 or so other Duggars.  But just like them I promise to stay devoted, stay dedicated, and stay inappropriately committed to you for as long as possible.  That is my solemn vow to you pop culture.  I hope you’re still there.




This is exactly what everyone wants on their coffee table in their formal living room.

And to think some people call this photo inappropriate.

There's really no way to achieve that deep squat unless you are in a breathable fabric like denim.  

#annoying

Moms have a special bond.  We know what life is really like when you are down in the trenches of motherhood.  We understand the joys that come when you see your child take their first steps or when they hold your hand as you walk down the street.  We also understand the pitfalls of motherhood like when you come to work with spit-up on your clothes or when you realize that in the hustle of the morning you forgot to put on make-up.  When things like this happen, all moms can sympathize.  We know exactly how it feels and instead of judging each other we give that empathetic nod of “Don’t worry sista, we totally understand and have been there.”

But maybe that is just for all “normal” moms.  Maybe Hollywood moms fall into a different category.  Maybe their perception of motherhood is slightly (or vastly) skewed than ours.  You have to admit that being a Hollywood mom is not easy, what with all of the large paychecks, personal chefs, and live in nannies.  How do they have the energy to sit in that chair for hours on end to get their hair and make-up done for a photo shoot or interview?  So naturally when I saw that Giselle Bundchen posted a photo on Instagram with the hashtage “#multitaksing” my heart just went out to her.  I can only imagine the stress of her trying to nurse her baby while getting full on glam.  Oh wait, I think I have a hashtag for that - #vomit!  Maybe “multitasking” translates differently in Portuguese because Giselle’s idea of “multitasking” translates to a freaking spa day for the rest of us.

“Ordinary” moms truly understand the meaning of multitasking, and just so you know it doesn’t mean nursing your baby while you are getting your hair, make-up, and nails done.  Real multitasking is vacuuming the house with the baby securely strapped in a Baby Bjorn, taking 30 minutes to fold a load of towels one handed because the other hand is cleaning up spit up, or the precipice of mommyhood – using to the bathroom while carrying your bundle of joy (oh come on ladies, you know you have been there).

Aside from the obvious annoyance of the picture, I think the worst part of the photo was how she tried to relate to all the other moms out there.  It was almost offensive, like she thought we would agree with her and say something like “Oh that Giselle, how on earth does she get it all done in a day?”  Honestly, I think I would have preferred the hashtag to read something else like #jealousyet or #justanotherWednesay.  At least that way it wouldn't be insult to injury for the rest of us.  It’s bad enough that she’s a Victoria Secret model, that she’s married to an NFL quarterback, and that she is multi-millionaire.  I even bet her boobs are just as nice and perky as they were pre-pregnancy.  But to post a picture like that to try to relate to us about being a multitasking mom?  Well that’s just #annoying.

the before picture with her hashtag:

#multitasking

my hashtag for this picture:

#doyouknowwhatmultitaskingmeans

the after picture:

Apparently this picture was taken with "only three hours of sleep" 

(and a hair, nail, and make-up stylist)

my hashtag for this picture:

#itslikelookinginthemirror

'Tis the season for a little pop culture

The holiday season is upon us and it is important that we take some time to give thanks for the blessings we have.  Of course there are the obvious reasons to be thankful such as family and friends.  But we can’t forget the other very important reasons to be thankful – the pop culture reasons.  As the year comes to a close, I have complied a pithy, yet thought provoking list of the top five pop culture phenomena that I am thankful for this year.  So sit back, relax, grab a cup of eggnog, and let’s give thanks for pop culture in all its greatness.

#5 – Miley Cyrus – No matter how bad of a hair day I have, I can go to bed knowing that my hair always looks better than Miley’s hair.

#4 – Kanye West – Whenever I get depressed that my life is nowhere near as glamorous as Kim Kardashian’s life,  I quickly remember that she is tied to Kanye West for at least the next 18 years. 

#3 – Justin Timberlake – Where do I begin - the hair, the smooth as silk voice, the way he glides so elegantly on the dance floor, most amazing grill ever?  Oh JT, how you define the phrase “total package”.

#2 – Britney – She’s got her show in Vegas.  She’s got her body back.  She’s gotten rid of the bad hair extensions.  It seems like finally the stars are aligning because our girl is back.  Boom!

#1 – E! – “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”, “Total Divas”, “Secret Societies of Hollywood” – the list goes on and on.  What would my life be like without these mesmerizing, gripping shows?   I can tell you how it would be - empty and hollow. 

If you haven’t made your holiday pop culture thankful list, I encourage you do to so.  It really helps to put your life into perspective.   However, if you feel like you don’t have much to be thankful for hold on - E! just aired a new Christmas episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”.  If you missed it don’t worry.  You can catch a rerun of the episode at the top of the hour every hour for the next three months or so.  ‘Tis the season and may pop culture make you merry and bright!