Merry Christmas. Now go fix your face.

Some people are so hard to buy gifts for.  Either they already have everything they need or they are never pleased with what they are given.    I feel that I, if I can say so myself, am pretty easy to please.  Like most women, I can be satisfied with your typical gifts of jewelry, clothes, or your run of the mill gift card.  If you ask me, gift cards are the perfect gift.  When you get a gift card you don’t have to politely smile and say thank you for a terrible sweater or hideous piece of home décor.  A gift card is a gift that says, “It might look like I was too lazy to go out and buy something for you, but in actuality I like you enough to let you pick your own present so you don’t have to pretend to like what I gave you.”  When you get a gift card you really can’t lose.  That is unless you are given a gift card for say something like Botox.  Nothing says Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas quite like a subtle hint that your face has gone south.  I know you are probably thinking, “Katie you are crazy.  No one would ever gift such a ridiculous gift.”  Enter Kim Kardashian.   

It was reported a few weeks ago that Kim Kardashian gave her staff Botox gift cards for Christmas.  Now I don’t know about you, but that’s a slap in the wrinkly face.  Working for the Kardashians can’t be fun, especially working for Kim.  She is whiny, self-absorbed, and probably has Kanye’s songs playing in the background all day.  Not to mention I’m sure she talks about waist training to anyone who will listen.   Side note – what Kim calls “waist training” everyone else calls “18^th century fashion”.   Waist training falls into the same category as water beds.  While they might seem enticing, they are out of date, uncomfortable, and will never ever be cool again. 

The only thing that probably gets Kim’s staff through each grueling workday of photo shoots, PR stunts, and hair extensions is the thought of Christmas.  I’m sure they are expecting a nice bonus, thoughtful gift, or maybe even just a day off.  They are probably thinking, “Finally, all of those long hours of tightening that damn corset and cleaning spit up off of North’s overpriced clothes are finally going to pay off!” 

I can envision how it all played out.  Kim brings all of her staff into the living room and gives the following speech:

“We’ve had quite a year haven’t we?  A wedding.  A new house.  That weird magazine cover shoot where my butt could not have looked bigger.  I have had a banner year and let’s face it, now that I’m married to Kanye we have become the new Beyoncé and Jay Z, except way better.  I know I am rich, beautiful, and have a life that you all will never come close to having, but I want you to know that I couldn’t be who I am without you.  This is just a small token of my appreciation for all of your hard work.”

With smiling and hopeful faces her staff opens their gift to find a gift card for Boxtox.  Slowly their smiles fade and their face drops one wrinkle at a time.  With dismay, her staff leaves the room to go back to their duties as cook, nanny, and corset tightener dreaming of what could have been. 

Obviously I wasn’t there when all of this happened, but as how I have seen pretty much every episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and every episode of their spin off shows multiple times, I’m pretty confident that my version of the event is spot on.  Yes, this scenario might seem farfetched, but let’s face it, when it comes to the Kardashians nothing is ever normal.  Sex tapes equal stardom, famous Olympic athletes morph into cross dressers, and “Merry Christmas!” really means “Now go fix your face.”

"Botox to me is not surgery.  It's how I not so subtly say your face is busted."  

To all my valued employees:  Just think, if you keep working for me through a few more holiday seasons, you will be able to look as great as I do right now.