Man Daisy, your dukes sure did mess everything up.

Have you ever wondered how your life would be different if you had made a different choice?  You might have thought, “If I had skipped that class in college like I planned I would never had met my future husband.”  Or perhaps, “If I had only had the guts to get up at karaoke night and sing “Blurred Lines” then I would have been signed to that recording contract instead of her.”   Or possibly, “If I had just listened to Jamie Lee Curtis and eaten Activia once a day like she suggested maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation now?”

We are all plagued with the “what ifs” of life.  Some of those “what ifs” are easy to live with and some aren’t.  I’m sure celebrities think the same thing.  Kim Kardashian probably thinks, “What if I had never made that sex tape?  Would I have been able to survive as a normal person and not as a celebrity?”  Lindsey Lohan probably is thinking, “Would I still have a career today if I hadn’t made ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded’?”  And surely Hank Baskett is thinking, “What if I had asked that “lady friend” of mine a few more questions?  Would I still be happily married to Kendra?”

While all of these scenarios are hard to accept, the hardest “what if” to accept is this: What if Britney Spears had won the role of Daisy Duke in the “The Dukes of Hazard” movie instead of Jessica Simpson? 

Sounds silly?  Well, let me paint you a little picture.  The year was 2004.  For the most part, life was good.  Katie Holmes had not yet made the worst career move of her life by dating Tom Cruise, Lindsey Lohan was starring in “Mean Girls” and undoubtedly her life was “so fetch”, and the relationship we all loved – that of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson – was still going strong (and airing on MTV for all of us to see).  If there was one shadow cast on the year 2004 it was most obviously Britney’s marriage to Kevin Federline.    Yeah, we all knew from the get go that was a bad decision.

What most people don’t know is that both Britney and Jessica auditioned for the role of Daisy Duke.  Britney was a shoe in for the role if you ask me.  She is a southerner, could pull off those inappropriately tiny shorts, and had just enough redneck in her to fully grasp the essence of Daisy.  But by some twist of fate, Jessica Simpson won the role.   Maybe Jessica was a better actress (doubtful, I mean have you seen Britney in “Crossroads”?).  Maybe Jessica charmed the casting director with another endearing mix up of chicken and tuna.  Maybe the director was a “Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica” fan and Britney just missed the cutoff with her own reality show “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic”. 

I guess we might not ever know why life played out the way it did.  All we know is once Jessica graced the world in those jean shorts life changed.  Her relationship to Nick started to grumble and there were rumors going around that she was fooling around behind Nick’s back with Bam Margera from “Jackass”.  Yuck.  Not to mention Britney became preggers.  While I’m sure she doesn’t regret having procreated with K-Fed that was undeniably the last nail in the coffin was that “Justin and Britney”.  Call me crazy.  Call me a dreamer.  Call me whatever you want.  Justin and Britney were life’s prom king and queen whose reign was cut short.  Back in 2004 I was still holding out hope that those two crazy mouseketeers would find their way back to each other, but once that little nugget that is Sean Preston was brought into this world my hope started to dwindle (though it has never completely disappeared).

So here we are, 10 years later and life again is not what we expected.  Jessica doesn't sing anymore, but instead is a successful clothing designer.  She also designs a shoe line for strippers.  Wait, they aren’t for strippers?  Then why do they all have like a 5 inch heel?  Britney is single (again) and is headlining a show in Vegas.  On a side note, her hair has never looked better.  Due to years of bad hair extensions, shaving her head and starting over was definitely the way to go.  And our good friend Daisy is destined to live out her legacy in reruns on CMT.  Hopefully, her dukes are hidden away dry rotting in a closet somewhere in Hollywood.   If you ask me, that’s a small price to pay for messing everything up.

                                        

Way to duke everything up Daisy.

Jessica wearing the daisy dukes that took down everything in it's path.   

To all of the haters out there:

I think my feelings about this are best summed up with the song "Imagine" by John Lennon

"You may say I'm a dreamer,

but I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

and the world will live as one"

Merry Christmas. Now go fix your face.

Some people are so hard to buy gifts for.  Either they already have everything they need or they are never pleased with what they are given.    I feel that I, if I can say so myself, am pretty easy to please.  Like most women, I can be satisfied with your typical gifts of jewelry, clothes, or your run of the mill gift card.  If you ask me, gift cards are the perfect gift.  When you get a gift card you don’t have to politely smile and say thank you for a terrible sweater or hideous piece of home décor.  A gift card is a gift that says, “It might look like I was too lazy to go out and buy something for you, but in actuality I like you enough to let you pick your own present so you don’t have to pretend to like what I gave you.”  When you get a gift card you really can’t lose.  That is unless you are given a gift card for say something like Botox.  Nothing says Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas quite like a subtle hint that your face has gone south.  I know you are probably thinking, “Katie you are crazy.  No one would ever gift such a ridiculous gift.”  Enter Kim Kardashian.   

It was reported a few weeks ago that Kim Kardashian gave her staff Botox gift cards for Christmas.  Now I don’t know about you, but that’s a slap in the wrinkly face.  Working for the Kardashians can’t be fun, especially working for Kim.  She is whiny, self-absorbed, and probably has Kanye’s songs playing in the background all day.  Not to mention I’m sure she talks about waist training to anyone who will listen.   Side note – what Kim calls “waist training” everyone else calls “18^th century fashion”.   Waist training falls into the same category as water beds.  While they might seem enticing, they are out of date, uncomfortable, and will never ever be cool again. 

The only thing that probably gets Kim’s staff through each grueling workday of photo shoots, PR stunts, and hair extensions is the thought of Christmas.  I’m sure they are expecting a nice bonus, thoughtful gift, or maybe even just a day off.  They are probably thinking, “Finally, all of those long hours of tightening that damn corset and cleaning spit up off of North’s overpriced clothes are finally going to pay off!” 

I can envision how it all played out.  Kim brings all of her staff into the living room and gives the following speech:

“We’ve had quite a year haven’t we?  A wedding.  A new house.  That weird magazine cover shoot where my butt could not have looked bigger.  I have had a banner year and let’s face it, now that I’m married to Kanye we have become the new Beyoncé and Jay Z, except way better.  I know I am rich, beautiful, and have a life that you all will never come close to having, but I want you to know that I couldn’t be who I am without you.  This is just a small token of my appreciation for all of your hard work.”

With smiling and hopeful faces her staff opens their gift to find a gift card for Boxtox.  Slowly their smiles fade and their face drops one wrinkle at a time.  With dismay, her staff leaves the room to go back to their duties as cook, nanny, and corset tightener dreaming of what could have been. 

Obviously I wasn’t there when all of this happened, but as how I have seen pretty much every episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and every episode of their spin off shows multiple times, I’m pretty confident that my version of the event is spot on.  Yes, this scenario might seem farfetched, but let’s face it, when it comes to the Kardashians nothing is ever normal.  Sex tapes equal stardom, famous Olympic athletes morph into cross dressers, and “Merry Christmas!” really means “Now go fix your face.”

"Botox to me is not surgery.  It's how I not so subtly say your face is busted."  

To all my valued employees:  Just think, if you keep working for me through a few more holiday seasons, you will be able to look as great as I do right now.

Are you there pop culture? It’s me Katie.

Today I had a great lunch date with my super fun, super fashionable, super young friend Davis.  While we talked about various topics such as school, his upcoming study abroad trip to Italy, hilarious memories from the past, and Britney (a staple of our friendship) he said to me:

Davis - You haven’t posted on your blog in a while.

Me – I know.  Between the new baby, the holidays, the move to our new house life has been so crazy.  I have been thinking about my next post though.  I already have a title for it.

Davis – Oh really?  What is it?

Me – I think it’s going to be “Are you there pop culture?  It’s me Katie.” 

Davis, smiles at me politely, but doesn’t say anything.  He just kinda gives me a blank stare.

Me - It’s a pun on that book “Are you there God?  It’s me Margaret.”  You know that Judy Blume book from the ‘70’s. 

Davis – Oh ok.  I’ve never heard of that book.

 And there you have it.  The generation gap rears its ugly head again.   I haven’t felt this old since I was at the Britney concert with Davis and Britney did an outrageously fabulous cover of Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know”.  I turned to Davis and said “OMG I can’t believe she is covering this song!  She is awesome!”  To which Davis replied, “What song is this?  I’ve never heard of it.”  That day it became official – I’m old. 

But that’s beside the point of this post.  Yes, I have been MIA lately from the blog.  So much that the owner of my gym said, “You haven’t posted on your blog lately.  I guess you’ve grown up and stopped doing it?”  Um no. 

While that was hard to hear, it did resonate with me.  Yes, I have been busy.  Life in fact has been crazy.  But that's not an excuse.  Life is busy for everyone and while I could give excuse after excuse it wouldn’t change the fact that I need to make amends with a dear friend – pop culture. 

When celebrities feel the need to make a statement and want do so in a dramatic fashion, they write an open letter.  I’m not sure who this open letter is supposed to be directed to, but none the less, it does the job.    So here you go.  This is my open letter to pop culture.

Are you there pop culture?  It’s me Katie.  I know I know - "Katie who?", you ask.  It’s me Katie – the Britney fan, Kardashian lover/hater, and all around pop culture enthusiast. 

I decided that I need to clear the air with you in light of my recent absence.  In my quest for redemption, I have looked to celebrities for inspiration on how I can start to redirect my focus back to you.  Below I have listed three different but very eye opening examples of what I have learned on how to rebuild our relationship.

Example #1 – While vacationing in Thailand, Kim Kardashian didn’t let the obligation of family time or the sights of a foreign country keep her from taking 1,200 selfies for her selfie book.  She knew that it was her obligation to society to take pointless and endless amounts of selfies that apparently she thinks we all want collected in a book for our coffee table.  That people is what you call dedication.

Example #2 – Do you think Miley Cyrus’s new relationship with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son stops her from posting inappropriate pictures on Instagram?  No, she continues to post topless pictures because that’s what the people want.  And by “the people” I mean weird middle aged men who have an inappropriate obsession with Hannah Montana.

Example #3 - To hell with yoga pants, the Duggar family knows the importance of workin’ on their fitness even if it is in a knee length skirt.  Why you ask?  Because doing squats in denim is what commitment looks like.

You see, pop culture, life is busy for all of us – me, Kim, Miley, Jim Bob, Michelle, Josh, John David, Jill, Jessa, and the 15 or so other Duggars.  But just like them I promise to stay devoted, stay dedicated, and stay inappropriately committed to you for as long as possible.  That is my solemn vow to you pop culture.  I hope you’re still there.




This is exactly what everyone wants on their coffee table in their formal living room.

And to think some people call this photo inappropriate.

There's really no way to achieve that deep squat unless you are in a breathable fabric like denim.