From Los Angeles to Neverland - the life of a Hollywood Peter Pan

I’m not sure what it is.  Maybe it’s age.  Maybe it’s the feeling of regret.  Maybe it’s the sunshine.  Maybe it’s the smog.  Maybe it’s the smell of cash.  While I can’t put my finger on it, I know something is definitely clouding the judgement of celebrity parents.  I’m not talking about celebrity moms like Gwyneth Paltrow or Kim Kardashian.  I’m talking about their parents.   At one point, these parents of celebrities were normal people just like you and me.    But that, my friend, was a point in time that is long, long gone.  Those years of normalcy are just a mere memory of a simpler time.  Somehow these parents have reversed the hands of time and are no longer the solid foundation of their children’s lives, but instead are a quicksand of embarrassment for their child.  Case in point Joe and Tina Simpson – the former Hollywood power parents turned Hollywood Peter Pans who refuse to ever grow up.

2003.  It was a good time.  A simpler time.  Britney had not yet married Kevin Federline. There was no such thing as a Kardashian.  And Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were living out newlywed bliss on MTV for all to see.  Life was good.  Chicken was tuna.  Jessica had a flourishing singing career.  Nick was as hot as always.  Jessica was at her best with her two loving and normal-ish parents. 

Now don’t get me wrong Joe and Tina Simpson had their problems.  For starters, Joe always seemed a bit off, often making odd comments specifically about Jessica’s big boobs.  And while Tina tended to stay out of the limelight she would occasionally have a little too much chardonnay and do something embarrassing (remember Jessica’s 23^rd birthday party where Tina fell when dancing with Joe?).  But all in all they were your typical parents – loving, supportive, with just the right amount of embarrassing.

That is until the rug was pulled out  from under us and Jessica divorced Nick.  At the time we were unaware of the years of ripple effects that this decision would have on the Simpson clan – Jessica’s weight gain, Ashlee Simpson’s lip singing fiasco, and the demise of not only Joe and Tina’s relationship, but also their dignity.  After Joe and Tina's 2013 divorce, you would expect these two grandparents to do what any normal middle-aged divorcees would do.   Take the grandkids to the zoo, pick up new hobbies like golfing or scrapbooking, and maybe even dabble in a little ourtime.com dating.  None of us expected the recent antics that have played out for all of the world to see. 

First, let’s look at Joe.  Yes, we always had our questions about Joe Simpson, but I don’t think any of us could have predicted his rapid decent into what can only be described as a mid-life crisis given his peculiar recent behavior, odd recent fashion choices and questionable relationship with one of his clients.

And then there’s Tina.  Tina, Tina, Tina.   All I can say is Tina, no Bueno.  She had stayed relatively quiet in the last few years until she got her hands on a thing we call Instagram.  Once she started posting pictures she slowly began morphing from a doting grandma to wannabe 20something.  Partying with her daughter and co-workers, talking selfies, and yes even making the classic “Lindsay Lohan pout” in pictures.    It was all mindless fun and games until it went just one post too far. 

While out in Mexico celebrating her 56^th birthday, Tina and her son-n-law, Eric Johnson, posted a picture of the two of them together with her legs spread eagle and his head resting comfortably in between her legs.  I know what you are thinking, and yes I did type it right: son-in-law, spread eagle, his head in between her legs.  At first I thought maybe it was someone else in the picture – maybe a young friend or personal assistant and Tina was just the photographer capturing this extremely awkward moment.  But then I read the photo’s caption which said “Son in law” and the awkward, ickiness of this picture was taken to a whole new level. 

I think the worst part of this picture isn’t even the pose.  It’s that both of them think this is not only acceptable, but also endearing.  He’s giving a thumbs up and she has a look on her face that screams “I’m a sex kitten.”   Like I said before.  No bueno, Tina.  No bueno. 

Yes, the Tina and Joe Simpson from 2003 are long gone and in their place are two completely unrecognizable people.  No longer do they walk the streets of Hollywood as a couple of powerful celebrity parents, but instead they walk it as a couple of Hollywood Peter Pans - unwilling or unable to grow up.  With their sad and disturbing new identities we are reminded of things that we ourselves didn't want to admit.  Chicken really isn’t tuna.  The Kardashians are a real thing.  Britney and K-Fed were not just a bad dream.  The good times of 2003 are just a distant memory.

While we might not be happy about it, time continues to tick on despite how hard we dig in our heels, and we have no choice but to go with the flow.  I just wish someone would tell Joe and Tina this:  We know that aging isn't easy, but I can assure you that switching your address from Los Angeles to Neverland isn’t going to change the fact that you are indeed getting older.   

 So many things to question in this picture.

Where to start . . . where to start?

I just want to know why.  Why, Tina?  Why?

 The good ole days before we all realized that Jessica was just eating canned tuna.

The Breakdown of Bieberisms

Every generation is blessed with a handful of articulate scholars.  These wordsmiths can string together words so nicely that it paints the most beautiful picture for the reader.   These writers will live on forever through their work and posthumously continue to influence the readers of the world.   There are however, an elite group of people who also influence the world with their words, but not quite in the same way.  Luckily for us, lots of these people live in Hollywood.  

It is true that in Hollywood you can find celebrities who are very well spoken and have the ability to beautifully express their thoughts and inspire others.  But let’s face it, those people just aren’t as fun to watch as the Hollywood train wrecks masking themselves as the next Shakespeare.  Case in point Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber is one celeb that just doesn’t seem to ever disappoint us when he speaks.  While he might consider himself the poet laureate of Tenseltown, the rest of us probably disagree.  With each interview he does we are left scratching our heads thinking “What in the world is he talking about?”  But, what I wonder is this: is it possible he thinks he is making sense?  Is he just having a hard time articulating his thoughts?

To investigate this theory, I have pulled the top five craziest “Bieberisms” and have broken them down into what that tatted-up, bleached blonde was really trying to say as well as what we think when we hear the comment.

Bieberism #5
"I have a swagger coach that helps me and teaches me different swaggerific things to do . . . He has helped me with my style and just putting different pieces together and being able to layer and stuff like that."

What he meant – I’m have a really great stylist that helps me with my outfits.

Our reaction to this comment - You have so much money that you can spend it on a bunch of ridiculous crap and then make up words so it sounds legit.

Bieberism #4 –
"Singers aren't supposed to have dairy before a show, but we all know I'm a rule breaker."

What he meant – I march to the beat of my own drummer.

Our reaction to this comment – If dairy is the only bad thing you are ingesting before your shows I would be surprised.

Bieberism  #3

“It’s kind of hard to balance school and work sometimes. But sometimes, like, if I’m going to the White House and I’m in there doing a tour and stuff, that’s like school.”

What he meant – I try to take every life event as a learning experience.

What we think when we hear this comment – First off, who would let you in the White House?  Secondly, like there has been any schooling going on in your life within the last decade.

Bieberism #2

“Sunday comes after Saturday? Weird.”

What he meant – Life can take you by surprise.

Our reaction to this comment – Refer back to the second sentence in our reaction to Bieberism #3.

Bieberism #1

“If I can do just one-tenth of the good that Michael Jackson did for others, I can really make a difference in this world.”

What he meant – I want to be a positive influence to other people.

Our reaction to this comment – Wearing PJs to court.  Bubbles the chimp.  Jesus Juice.  Emulating Michael Jackson might not be the way to go buddy.

Maybe I am being too hard on Bieber.  I mean after all he is a foreigner and there might be a language barrier.  Oh wait, he’s from Canada right?  Yeah, then I got nothing.  You are on your own Biebs.

Don't let those sultry eyes fool you.  There's a whole lot of nothing going on in that head.

Based off this outfit, I think we all can agree that this swagger coach is money well spent.

Unfortunately vitamin D is probably not the only thing Justin Bieber is toasting to in this picture.

Will you be my superfan if I become an elderly twerker?

I am always amazed by the level of commitment we show to our favorite celebrities.   We hang on their every word and wait on pins and needles for their next tweet, Instagram post, hashtag, and endorsement.  We will defend them even when they are indefensible.  However, it never fails that no matter how ridiculous they can be there are some people out there who just can’t admit that their favorite celebrity is an idiot.  I like to call these people superfans.

Superfans are in a class to themselves.  They take the love of a celebrity to a whole new level.  There is no rationalizing with a superfan.  They are obsessed with their celebrity and make no apologies for it.  Now, while I do have a infatuation for certain celebs like Britney and JT, I would categorize my adoration as intense but normal.  I follow them on social media, read about them in magazines, and maybe every once in a while find a way to casually yet intentionally bring them up in conversation.  But that’s about it.  Superfans are obsessed with their celebrity and will attack if you say anything negative.

Just the other day I made an Instagram post about Madonna being too old to twerk.  Now given the fact that Madonna is almost 60 years old and twerking is pretty gross for anyone let alone someone who became famous during the Reagan administration I figured people would agree with me.  Little did I know that a particular superfan was just ready to pounce.  Not only did he disagree with my post, but he even had a few choice words for me.

At first I was a bit shocked and horrified.  I began to wonder if what I said was that bad.  I began to question if maybe I should stop posting about celebrities in general given that this person got so upset.  Then I realized something.  He was a superfan.  There was no rationalizing with him.  No matter what Madonna does: walking around in a pointed bra, speaking with a British accent despite being from Michigan, twerking, etc he will never, ever admit that she is wrong.  When it comes to Madonna he has boarded the crazy train and has no intention of ever getting off.

Generally speaking, superfans will go to great lengths for their celebrity.  Remember the other week when Good Morning America caused a slew of commotion for Beyonce superfans?  GMA tweeted that Beyonce was going to be on their show because Beyonce “has something amazing she wants you to know.”  Superfans went crazy.  Speculating that the Queen B was pregnant or reuniting with Destiny’s Child, superfans set their alarms to get up early and some even called in sick to work.  Finally the moment came when Beyonce was ready to let the world know what she had been keeping to herself for some time.  She was in fact a sort of vegan.  

Obviously most people were not happy about this epic letdown of an announcement, but the superfan was not one of them.  They praised her for making better food choices and began frantically searching the internet to learn more about veganism.  Superfans united in the name of their Queen while the rest of us walked away with egg on our face or in Beyonce’s case egg substitute on our face.

Beyonce, Madonna, and I'm sure even Lindsey Lohan has a few.  Superfans are out there for every celebrity, and while I bet they won't admit to it I'm sure that deep down inside the celebrities love having them around.  But if you decide to cross over to being a superfan remember it's not for the faint of heart.  Being a superfan takes a certain level of commitment and crazy that most people just don't have.  But for that special few, they think it's totally worth it.  As long as you take the oath to defend your celebrity to the end you will be accepted into the superfan club.   And when you do there’s no going back.  I just hope that one day I’m lucky enough to have a superfan get my back when I become a elderly twerker.

Madonna, if only this was still true.

I'm sure hearing that Beyonce is now a vegan was well worth taking that sick day now wasn't it?

Dear Taylor, we don't really give a damn. Love, your cats

There are days when I really enjoy my job and days when the thought of having to do this job for one more day makes me want pull my hair out.  I’m sure it’s the same for everyone else.  While we are all grateful to have a job, the mental and/or physical demands of the job take a toll.  Some days your job can be so difficult you begin to wonder if it’s worth it.  At least it is that way for some of us.  For Taylor Swift, not so much.

Recently, she gave an interview to explain the demands of being a pop star.  She said “It is not that hard, I’m telling you not it’s really not.  When you walk off stage and you’re drenched in sweat and you’re tired and your legs hurt . . . . It really feels like you are working for the job.  It’s nice to feel tired after a show.  I’m like ‘Oh my God, I’m finally doing something.” 

My question is did anyone think that being a pop star was that hard to begin with?  Probably not.   

If you take your run of the mill pop star I am sure you will agree with me when I say that these celebrities have a cake walk when it comes to their so called "job".  Their "work days" more than likely consist of photo shoots, award shows to attend, red carpets to walk, endorsement deals to agree to, parties, charity events, and updating their social media.  Oh the effort it takes to do these things.  I just can't even imagine.  How in the world do they handle the demands of preparing for an interview while having to simultaneously mention their “new favorite” brand of lip stick on their twitter and Instagram account?  I just feel so sorry for them.  It’s amazing they have the time to work in all that shopping and eating out at nice restaurants given the constraints of their jobs.

Who do these celebrities think they are fooling?  Do they think that we think they have it that bad?  Of course there are aspects of their life that are difficult, but I’m sure the personal assistants, chefs, housekeepers, drivers, and what not make it more than bearable. 

Maybe I’m being too hard on Taylor Swift and for that matter the rest of the pop stars.  Maybe we don’t know what their life is really like until we walk a mile in their Manalo Blahniks or Pradas or Louis Vittons.  But regardless of what we as the public find out about our beloved celebrities, at the end of the day it really doesn't matter.  You can be a celebrity that takes your craft seriously and devotes endless hours to producing the best of its kind or you can be Lindsay Lohan.  You see we don't love celebrities because of their work ethic.  Most of the time we love them in spite of their work ethic.  We don't need them to put on a facade to mask how easy they have it.  It only insults us and makes them look naive.  

If we have to play the role of adoring fan who empathizes for our Hollywood A-listers for their difficult jobs then so be it.  We will ooh and aah at the sacrifice that they make on account of their “work".  We will even nod in agreement when Taylor Swift says the hardest thing about being a pop star is leaving her cats.  

Taylor if you are reading this just know we agree with you.  Leaving your cats to go on a world tour that will make you even more rich and famous has to be so hard.   Just remember that your cats wouldn't want you to be sad.  They would want you to be, wait we are talking about her cats right?   Well then they probably haven't realized you are gone and if they did more than likely they don't give a damn.

I'm amazed she has the ability to get through this workday.

Taylor at the Tonight Show - another grueling day at the office

  The face of an animal who could care less that Taylor is on tour.

The Cloak of Hollywood Parental Embarrassment

No matter how hard you try as a parent, there will be times when you are an embarrassment to your kids.  Something will happen when you say the wrong thing, wear the wrong outfit, or make a mistake that will cause humiliation to your child.  It’s normal.  It’s part of life.  It’s almost a rite of passage.  As a parent, I have realized that as cool as I think I am now, there will come a day when my teenager will let me know otherwise.  You can’t fault them for their honesty.  They are only doing what comes naturally to them.  The hope is that one day, your child will start seeing you less like a social outcast and more like a parent who loved them so much you tried anything to win their approval.  But for some unfortunate sons and daughters this day has yet to come.

Recently Alan Thicke, Robin Thicke’s father, told Us Weekly that he listens to his son’s music when getting it on with his wife.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  He stated that “When we do get freaky, we love Robin’s song ‘Sex Thearpy’.”  He added, “You have to admit, it’s a great song to get in the mood.”  I have but three responses to Alan Thicke.  Eew.  Ick.  And why?

We can all agree that when it comes to our parents they only had sex the number of times they created a child.  We don’t want to think of our parents as sexual beings.  We don’t want to believe that they have feelings and desires.  They are our parents, and as far as we are concerned they are sexless.  I'm sure Robin Thicke feels the same way.  I'm sure hearing that his dad is, as Alan put it, "getting freaky" to one of his songs was probably very embarrassing for him.  Honestly, I felt a bit sorry for the guy, yet at the same time I felt comforted because it because it made me realize something.  Celebrities likes to think of themselves as a superior class.  They have the money, good looks, and fame.  But at the end of the day they are just as embarrassing to their kids as we are to ours.  

Some of these poor Hollywood children just can't get away from the lifetime of parental embarrassment.  I often think of Madonna’s daughter Lourdes and wonder how she makes it through the day without constantly being clothed in a cloak of embarrassment when it comes to her mother.  One day Madonna's prancing around in a matador outfit.  The next day she’s talking about why you shouldn’t make out with Drake.  Then she has rats running through her bathroom during a live internet chat.   The embarrassment just keep on coming for Lourdes.

And let’s not forget some of the most embarrassing future Hollywood parents – Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, and Lindsay Lohan just to name a few.  One quick google search by their kids and they will have unleashed a hellmouth of embarrassment unbeknownst to any of us. 

Tom Cruise, John Travolta, any “Real Housewife” mom – they are the same to their kids as we are to ours - out of date, uncool and embarrassing.  Despite our best efforts as parents, we will embarrass our kids at some point in time.  But you know what, maybe that’s ok.  Maybe that’s the way parents are supposed to be.  We shouldn't be their peer.  We should be their parent.  We should say the wrong things, wear the wrong clothes, and make mistakes that humiliate our children.  It's part of our job as a mom and a dad.

If we do any of the above we can consider our job as parents a job done well.  Our kids will survive and they will grow up knowing that one day soon their parents will stop embarrassing them.  That is unless you are Robin Thicke or Lourdes.  Those poor kids just can’t catch a break.

Oh Alan.  Have you any idea the embarrassment you caused your son?  He's almost as embarrassed as he was after watching his own performance with Miley Cyrus on the 2013 VMA awards.  Almost, but not quite.

I don't think anyone could be more embarrassed by that kiss than Drake.

Cut to Lourdes.

Don't worry Lourdes.  Your mom is 56 years old.  I would give her only about 30 more years left to embarrass you.

A Double Selfie Standard

Do you remember the days of film cameras?  It seems like it was a long time ago, but I remember the excitement I had every time I went to the store to pick up a new set of pictures that I had developed.  I remember the anticipation I had as I opened the pack of pictures.  I also remember the disappointment I felt when half of the pictures were off centered or even worse when I looked terrible.  I remember thinking, “Ugh!  I wish there was a way I could see the pictures before they were developed.  Then I would be able to avoid developing any unflattering pictures of myself.”  Enter the digital camera.

The digital camera forever changed the way we took pictures.  Suddenly, we were given the gift of endless pictures.  We could take a picture over and over again until we finally got one without a double chin or closed eyes or weird smile.  We had infinity at our fingertips.  With digital cameras, we thought it just couldn't get any better.  

And then one day the all of the stars aligned in the universe and we were given the gift of the camera phone.  The camera phone gave a since of utopia to every self-absorbed teenager and vain celebrity.  Not only could they take infinite amounts of pictures, but they could turn the camera on themselves and capture their face from an arm’s length away.  The "selfie" was born and photography has never been the same since.  

Selfies have simultaneously revolutionized and destroyed our world.  What used to be a picture posted to show a cool vacation spot or a new hairdo has morphed into a monster.  We have selfies of people celebrating days of the week, selfies of people working out at the gym, and selfies of moms nursing their babies.  We are drowning in selfies with no hope of ever being rescued. 

My question for all of the selfie addicts is “Do we really care?”  Do we really care what your #ootd (outfit of the day) is or how you react towards Mondays or that you are sweaty from a workout?  Do we really care that the things you are doing and posting on social media are the same mundane things that the rest of us are doing every single day?  The answer is no and yes. 

The predicament that I am in is that as annoyed as I get with people posting pictures to document the monotony of life, I am also infatuated by it - but only when it comes to celebrities.    If I have a friend on social media who post a post-workout selfie I annoyingly roll my eyes and rumble a rude comment under my breath.  But if a Kardashian post a post-workout picture I am immediately captivated.  I find myself studying the picture taking in every detail and then googling what workout program they are using.  It’s such a double standard or in this case a double selfie standard.  What makes these celebrities immune to my eye rolling, grumbling, and annoyance?  What makes them so special that I am hypnotized by the boring events of their lives?  Waist training, make-up application, their pets – it doesn’t matter.  As long as they are Hollywood I want to know every single detail of every single day.

Love them or hate them selfies are here to stay.  Maybe it’s a good thing.  How else are we expected to get through our day if we don’t have a picture of Kourtney Kardashian pumping or Reese Witherspoon drinking her morning coffee?  But all of you selfie addicts out there be forewarned.  If you are not a celebrity and are posting #ootd selfies, new hair-do selfies, or hump-day selfies we aren't interested.  But if you are a celebrity your #ootd selfies, new hair-do selfies, and hump-day selfies are mind-blowing and we just can't get enough.  So please keep them coming.

Kim Kardashian is the queen of selfies.  Amazingly she has turned her infatuation with herself into a full time job.  It looks exhausting.

Apparently this is one of the first mirror selfies.  If you ask me this woman might be Kim Kardashian.  She and Kim have so many things in common.  They both like looking at themselves in a mirror.  They both like taking pictures of themselves.  They both wear corsets (or in Kim's case a waist trainer).   

Sure we thought Zack Morris's gigantic phone was annoying.  Little did we know how annoying a "cellular phone" could be.

I like to think of this blog as a celebrity chemical peel.

I would love to say that I make a living by writing this pop culture blog, but unfortunately that is not the case.  Proudly (or sadly by some people’s point of view) I write this for my own pleasure.  I enjoy writing and most importantly I enjoy pop culture. 

Recently I applied for a job outside of my career and one of the job requirements stated that the desired candidate would have a “strong interest and knowledge of current events, sports, pop culture, technology, and trends”.  Obviously, I figured I would be a shoe in for this job as who else would have a stronger interest and knowledge of pop culture than someone with their own pop culture blog?  

Anyways, I excitedly told my husband that I found a great job in which my blog would actually prove to be financially beneficial for our family.  He replied, “Don’t you think they will take one look at your blog and assume that you hate celebrities?” 

Say what?!  I always thought that my blog paid homage (as well as a reality check) to celebrities.  When I questioned him further he said, “If a celebrity read your blog, I’m sure they wouldn't be happy.”  Excitedly I responded, “Do you think any celebrities have read my blog?”  Without skipping a beat he quipped, “No.” 

But that conversation got me thinking.  Do celebrities really think I hate them?  This started an internal journey – a pilgrimage if you will.  I like to think of it as my very own Wild, but instead of hiking 1,100 miles of the Pacific Crest Trial, I was hiking 1,100 miles of my soul.  How could my blog be thought of as written with anything other than affection? 

I know it goes without saying that I do not beat around the bush.  If I feel that a celebrity has done something idiotic I will be the first to call them out, but that doesn't mean I hate celebrities.  On the contrary, I love celebrities.  I love them so much that I decide to spend my free time helping them to see the error of their ways.  I say to them what we are all thinking.  It might sound harsh, but it’s for their own good.   

Take Gwyneth Paltrow for example.  She raved and raved on her website, Goop, about the newest health craze for women – the v-steam.  I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this is a terrible idea?  Aside from the obvious health issues that come with steaming your who-ha, which ones of us have the time or the extraneous cash to v-steam.  If I have an extra $50 lying around, I’m sure as Shakespeare ain’t gonna spend it steaming my nether region.  But what really kills me is Gwyneth’s attitude about this.  Apparently she thinks that she is really helping the general public by promoting this nonsense.  Somebody needs to be straight with Gwyneth.  Enter me.  This is where I do my very own public service announcement.

Gwyneth, I would like to tell you that while we appreciate your effort, you should spend your time educating the public with more helpful tips, like how the average woman could save money in order to afford anything you promote on your Goop website.

Next let’s look at the Kardashians.  If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times.  I love/hate/am borderline obsessed with the Kardashians.  I can’t help it.  They drive me nuts and infatuate me all at the same time.  I can’t stand how they have become famous for basically no reason at all, and at the same time I am so unbelievably jealous that they have become famous for basically no reason at all.  But don’t get me wrong, my love for that outlandish family does not spare them from my ridicule.  Just because I watch every episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” doesn’t mean I’m not going to say “Kim and Kanye, I still can’t believe you named your child after cardinal directions.  She will hate you one day for this.”  Or “Kris, remember you are in your 60s.  Let’s dress like it.”  Or even “Kylie, if you have 40 minutes a day devoted just to applying your lip make-up, you have too much time on your hands.  Get a hobby.”  I am cut-throat and I am honest, yet like clockwork I am planted in front of the television every Sunday night waiting for their ridiculousness unfold.  

I’ll admit that at times I feel as if I am the Regina George of pop culture and my blog is the Burn Book.  But before you judge, remember the Burn Book wasn’t just a gossipy, hurtful book; it was a mirror to the truth.  Trang Pak did make out with Coach Carr.  Amber D’Alessio did make out with a hot dog (even if it was only once).  And Dawn Schweitzer was a fat virgin (well that’s only half true).  As much as it hurts, sometimes we need to speak the truth.  Like Regina George, if I am painfully honest, I do it out of love.  Love of the cameras.  Love of the fame.  Love of the outlandishness that arises out of Tinsletown.  My hope is that celebrities will look at my blog like a chemical peel.  The truth of the my words sting, but after the redness and swelling subsides you will look more rejuvenated and less like an ass.

Why you ask does Gwyneth look so happy?  Her lady parts never felt so fresh.

  

Trang Pak,  Amber D’Alessio, Dawn Schweitzer, Gwenyth Paltrow, the Kardashains - the truth hurts ladies  



Girl, don't you know it.