From Los Angeles to Neverland - the life of a Hollywood Peter Pan

I’m not sure what it is.  Maybe it’s age.  Maybe it’s the feeling of regret.  Maybe it’s the sunshine.  Maybe it’s the smog.  Maybe it’s the smell of cash.  While I can’t put my finger on it, I know something is definitely clouding the judgement of celebrity parents.  I’m not talking about celebrity moms like Gwyneth Paltrow or Kim Kardashian.  I’m talking about their parents.   At one point, these parents of celebrities were normal people just like you and me.    But that, my friend, was a point in time that is long, long gone.  Those years of normalcy are just a mere memory of a simpler time.  Somehow these parents have reversed the hands of time and are no longer the solid foundation of their children’s lives, but instead are a quicksand of embarrassment for their child.  Case in point Joe and Tina Simpson – the former Hollywood power parents turned Hollywood Peter Pans who refuse to ever grow up.

2003.  It was a good time.  A simpler time.  Britney had not yet married Kevin Federline. There was no such thing as a Kardashian.  And Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were living out newlywed bliss on MTV for all to see.  Life was good.  Chicken was tuna.  Jessica had a flourishing singing career.  Nick was as hot as always.  Jessica was at her best with her two loving and normal-ish parents. 

Now don’t get me wrong Joe and Tina Simpson had their problems.  For starters, Joe always seemed a bit off, often making odd comments specifically about Jessica’s big boobs.  And while Tina tended to stay out of the limelight she would occasionally have a little too much chardonnay and do something embarrassing (remember Jessica’s 23^rd birthday party where Tina fell when dancing with Joe?).  But all in all they were your typical parents – loving, supportive, with just the right amount of embarrassing.

That is until the rug was pulled out  from under us and Jessica divorced Nick.  At the time we were unaware of the years of ripple effects that this decision would have on the Simpson clan – Jessica’s weight gain, Ashlee Simpson’s lip singing fiasco, and the demise of not only Joe and Tina’s relationship, but also their dignity.  After Joe and Tina's 2013 divorce, you would expect these two grandparents to do what any normal middle-aged divorcees would do.   Take the grandkids to the zoo, pick up new hobbies like golfing or scrapbooking, and maybe even dabble in a little ourtime.com dating.  None of us expected the recent antics that have played out for all of the world to see. 

First, let’s look at Joe.  Yes, we always had our questions about Joe Simpson, but I don’t think any of us could have predicted his rapid decent into what can only be described as a mid-life crisis given his peculiar recent behavior, odd recent fashion choices and questionable relationship with one of his clients.

And then there’s Tina.  Tina, Tina, Tina.   All I can say is Tina, no Bueno.  She had stayed relatively quiet in the last few years until she got her hands on a thing we call Instagram.  Once she started posting pictures she slowly began morphing from a doting grandma to wannabe 20something.  Partying with her daughter and co-workers, talking selfies, and yes even making the classic “Lindsay Lohan pout” in pictures.    It was all mindless fun and games until it went just one post too far. 

While out in Mexico celebrating her 56^th birthday, Tina and her son-n-law, Eric Johnson, posted a picture of the two of them together with her legs spread eagle and his head resting comfortably in between her legs.  I know what you are thinking, and yes I did type it right: son-in-law, spread eagle, his head in between her legs.  At first I thought maybe it was someone else in the picture – maybe a young friend or personal assistant and Tina was just the photographer capturing this extremely awkward moment.  But then I read the photo’s caption which said “Son in law” and the awkward, ickiness of this picture was taken to a whole new level. 

I think the worst part of this picture isn’t even the pose.  It’s that both of them think this is not only acceptable, but also endearing.  He’s giving a thumbs up and she has a look on her face that screams “I’m a sex kitten.”   Like I said before.  No bueno, Tina.  No bueno. 

Yes, the Tina and Joe Simpson from 2003 are long gone and in their place are two completely unrecognizable people.  No longer do they walk the streets of Hollywood as a couple of powerful celebrity parents, but instead they walk it as a couple of Hollywood Peter Pans - unwilling or unable to grow up.  With their sad and disturbing new identities we are reminded of things that we ourselves didn't want to admit.  Chicken really isn’t tuna.  The Kardashians are a real thing.  Britney and K-Fed were not just a bad dream.  The good times of 2003 are just a distant memory.

While we might not be happy about it, time continues to tick on despite how hard we dig in our heels, and we have no choice but to go with the flow.  I just wish someone would tell Joe and Tina this:  We know that aging isn't easy, but I can assure you that switching your address from Los Angeles to Neverland isn’t going to change the fact that you are indeed getting older.   

 So many things to question in this picture.

Where to start . . . where to start?

I just want to know why.  Why, Tina?  Why?

 The good ole days before we all realized that Jessica was just eating canned tuna.